I get irrationally attached to inanimate objects.

When I go to the gym, I tend to use the same elliptical every day. It’s against a wall, not a railing, so I don’t feel like I’m going to fall backwards, not right under a light so it’s not too bright, and not too close to an air vent so my hair doesn’t blow across my face and tickle my forehead. It’s also not too close to the elevator doors because I get startled whenever they open. In short, it is perfect.

Since I usually go to the gym at the same time every day, I manage to get on “my” elliptical, since the same people are there every day and do the same thing. But sometime, there will be someone on my perfect machine. And then I pout.

Of course since I’m a functional adult, I hop right on any one of the dozen or so other ellipticals the gym offers. But I want that one. I feel weird anywhere else, and as a creature of habit, I never feel like my workout is quite up to (my admittedly low) par on a different machine.

Anyone else feel that way?

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This is what happens when your best friend is getting married.

And when you best friend lives far away and is shopping for a wedding dress, and the two of you spend hours sending each other links to various dresses online in the same conversation you’ve been discussing terrorists.

This is what Etsy thinks I need to shop for.

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Like for reals. It’s in my Google search history too. Targetted ads are getting interesting.

Don’t Talk to Me at the Gym.

I am a grumpy person. More so when it comes to doing things I don’t like to do, like dragging my butt to the gym for an hour. But I do it, because I want to get healthy, and that entails going to the gym on top of eating right.

Now, this gym is mostly empty when I go in the middle of the morning, save for the weightlifters that are on the first level, and the stick-thin suburban football moms who occasionally wander in to walk on the treadmills. I don’t mind them. They’re way on the other side of the cardio deck, and I don’t even have to look at them. The ellipticals are along the railing, with four of them against a wall. I take the very last one against the wall, because I get startled whenever the elevator opens and I feel too exposed when I’m not on the wall. I also get irrationally upset when someone else takes that elliptical, because I feel weird on any other machine. Does anyone else get attached to a particular machine at the gym? Let me know in the comments. When I go to the gym, I get on my elliptical, put in my headphones, and space out for an hour.

Not yesterday. No, not at all.

Yesterday, there was this woman. When I got to the elliptical, she was on the other end of the cardio deck, rocking out to her music on one of those machines that looks like the love child of an elliptical and a stair climber. She looked like she was living in one of those dancing-on-gym-equipment videos, and also a little like a nanny I had during middle school, who was a fire engine red haired ball of crazy.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed her moving closer to me. She went from her stepper to a treadmill, then five minutes later, hopped right onto the elliptical next to me, and started talking. The horror. She reached out and tapped on my sweaty elbow, and like a damn fool I took out an earbud. She then proceeded to talk my ear off.

I learned that she recently started going to this gym, she originally went to the one across town but this one was just so much more convenient for her, and the locker room was just so much tidier and my word there are just so many young people at this gym, everyone at her previous gym seemed closer to her age and my goodness the gym fees are ridiculous here and her son who lives in California pays more for his gym but that’s California so what do you expect everything is so expensive there and apparently they are in a drought but so is everyone the world is just heating up and global warming and we just have to do our part to save the environment did you watch Blackfish that was such a good documentary but how bad can SeaWorld actually be I mean it’s just a zoo for water creatures and her husband has had an aquarium for so long does that make him a bad person and-

I put my earbud back in.

She kept talking.

I turned up the volume and went faster on the elliptical.

She kept talking.

I finished on the elliptical, got off, and went to the farthest away treadmill.

She kept talking.

Am I just a super grumpy person? I see people who come to the gym in pairs, and just chat to each other while they do their workout. I don’t see how they can manage that. I feel like if you’re able to carry on a normal conversation without sounding the least bit like you’re dying, you’re not going fast enough. I know I’m not crazy on that point, Desiree agrees with me, and she’s just as sane as I am.

Okay maybe I’m a little crazy.

But still.

All the more reason to not talk to me at the gym.

Don’t be a sociopath.

Guys, I have a pretty intense case of Resting Bitch Face.

My tiny and delicate features just settle into an angry scowl unless I’m actively trying to appear pleasant. Which really isn’t that often.

Maybe it comes from years of studying bad guys, crazy people, and terrorists, or talking to exceptional stupid people about exceptionally stupid things. But I just always look grumpy.

And most of the time, I am not a grumpy person. Sarcastic, maybe. A little vindictive if you’ve managed to piss me off. But in generally, I am not always in a bad mood.

Unless you tell me to smile.

I will not smile all the time, dammit. You know who smiles all the time? Sociopaths, that’s who. Smiling for ages and ages makes your face tired and hides your emotions and before you know it you’re beaming beatifically while hacking people to pieces with a rusty hatchet.

Don’t hack people to pieces with a rusty hatchet.

Books You Should Read If You Like Blogs

Guys, I’m all for reading big heavy books and cerebral thrillers and all that stuff your high school AP English teacher spent hours analyzing, but let’s be real, sometimes you need a book that’s just a book. That’s not a bad thing. The best things to read are books. And now, when anyone can get a blog and start writing (like me! Who reads this shit?), books are coming out faster and faster and no one knows where to start.

So, here’s a list of books that you’ll really like if you like reading blogs. Because some of these came from blogs.

1. Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson.

First off, this chick is on WordPress (one of us, one of us), and her book was born from her blog. She’s ridiculously funny, to the point where I was in tears in my living room, and talks about things like collecting taxidermied animals and functioning as an actual adult. Which is pretty difficult, I might add.

I’d just like to crown her the queen of blogs, so here’s a link to buy her book and another one to her blog, thebloggess.com.

2. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling.

If you don’t know who Mindy Kaling is, you’re missing out. She was on The Office, playing Kelly Kapoor, as well as writing episodes. Currently she’s on The Mindy Project, and she’s amazing. I’m partial to this book because she’s Indian, and Indian girls stick together, no matter how famous one of them is.

Her book is an autobiography, and it’s pretty damn funny. Reading it is like texting your best friend. If your best friend could spell and texted back consistently.

3. Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened by Allie Brosh

If you’ve been on the internet for longer than a week, you know who Allie Brosh is. She runs the super popular blog Hyperbole and a Half, and has made the blog into book form as well. She writes about a lot of things from her childhood, and also about her struggle with depression, which really got to me.Bonus points, lots of pictures. Which she draws, by hand, on her computer. Since it takes me approximately four hours to make a simple smiley face with my mouse, that’s incredible.

4. Anything by David Sedaris.

I started reading books by David Sedaris long before I knew who David Sedaris was. The very first one I read when I was maybe thirteen, was Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, and I thought it was hilarious.

Since I was thirteen and couldn’t quite appreciate it, I didn’t realize how much I liked it and wanted to read more until I tried finding it years later, and it had disappeared into the abyss of my basement. The next David Sedaris book I read was during high school. In my AP English class we had to do non-fiction presentations, and one group presented from a segment of Me Talk Pretty One Day.

I had read exerpts from various places, but the book needs to be read in its entirety. And if you don’t want to buy it off Amazon, or at a bookstore, I’m sure you can find it horrendously marked up at an airport bookshop, which is where I found the next book on my little list, When You Are Engulfed In Flames

Along with the previous two books, this is also a collection of essays by David Sedaris. I can’t contain how awesome this book is in a paragraph, so I’ll let you read it yourself.

5. Stiff: the Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach.

Remember how I just mentioned I had to do a nonfiction English project in high school? My group picked this slightly morbid, seriously entertaining book. Like the title implies, it’s about dead bodies. Specifically, what happens to them when they’re donated to science. Mary Roach wrote for Reader’s Digest for a while, which is how I discovered her, since a good portion of my childhood was spent in doctor’s offices and I felt I had outgrown Highlights Magazine. This is a good book if you’re insanely curious and only a little bit squeamish.

Okay. So this book list is getting kind of long, and I figure I’ll give you a break to catch up on your reading. Let me know what you think, and leave your own recommendations in the comments.